From: Deborah
Dear Jessica,
My situation is similar to others which have been submitted in the past, but the twist is that I am a very experienced rider who has suffered a gradual attrition of confidence in a way which I do not myself quite understand. I am 38 years old and have evented through Training Level.
At various points in my life I have considered myself quite a brave rider, catch-riding horses at a cross-country schooling, riding "anything" as a working student, taking lessons and competeing in a foriegn country where I could only with effort puzzle out the instruction.
Nearly two years ago I sustained a fairly frightening neck injury in a freak fall while hacking (at a walk) on my young, but normally exceptionally quiet mare. It turned out that she had a particularly hard to stick buck, and it was fortunate that she only did it under extreme conditions of high energy. I learned to longe her on cold days and subsequently was only bucked off when she was on a walk-only regime following injury. But I never had the feeling that I could ride through one of her bucking sessions. With the same mare, I ran into a problem of being mutually overfaced during training and wound up with a serious stopping problem, which made me feel powerless and frustrated. However, that down period followed after a nearly intoxicatingly successful period of successes far beyond what I had dreamed I might accomplish.
I stuck it out, dropping back levels, and towards the end of my association with her we were still out there competeing and had completed a training level event, albeit with a number of faults cross-country. I then had to sell her and move back to the United States.
During my time with this mare, I occasionally felt some fear, but on balance I was still participating and enjoying myself. A little over a year ago I began to search for a new horse, this time looking for one a little less green (she'd had only 6 months under saddle when I started with her) and with a very honest attitude. On a limited budget, though, I found mostly the very old, the green, or "experienced rider only" types. I eventually found a somewhat experienced but green OTTB with an exceedingly honest attitude. I discovered several months into our partnership that he has silly days where the mountain lions are hiding in every corner, and on those days it takes a very great deal of persistence to get him to settle. I have never fallen off of him, but he has quite a big spook, and I have found my confidence spiraling further and further down, to where I am doing less and less with him. When it became apparant that I was having some issues with him, I got into a regular program of both dressage and jumping lessons, and I got a jumping trainer to work with him from the saddle on a weekly basis. Still, on a bad day, very minor reactions on his part can reduce me to an ineffective quivering mass and I find myself spooking at things that the poor horse never noticed. On a good day, we can do very nice work, and had excellant results in our first schooling show together. Nevertheless, I am not having fun and the horse is not working at anything like his potential. I have finally decided to sell him on, as he will be a lovely horse with someone who is not disconcerted by his occasional silly (but within normal range) behavior. He's by far the nicest horse I have ever owned.
Now the problem is that I am feeling puzzled by my loss of confidence and how I can get back to a level of performance that gives me enjoyment without constantly having to bully myself into getting on and riding. I have gotten on other horses and while I am "brave" enough to get on a strange horse and ride it, I have not been truly comfortable and I feel I have lost all confidence in my ability to handle any sort of "trouble". How do I regain the feeling that a spook, or buck, or scooting off incident is not going to give me an overwhelming sense of loss of control? How do I find a next horse which will challenge me at an acceptable level but reward persistence on my part with reasonably steady behavior? I think that people who see me ride, or who have known me for years, are puzzled by what amounts to a gross regression in riding ability which is entirely driven by my attitude and less by my physical ability. I cannot afford a horse which is competitive, experienced and very easy; I could afford a schoolmaster in the twilight years, or perhaps a green horse with a very very easygoing disposition, or a nice backyard guy with not a lot of talent but a good mind, who doesn't know much but is pretty bombproof.
My ego, which not too long ago aspired to upper level eventing, is fairly seriously dented, and I am worried that my ability to accept the risks inherent in riding has become severely compromised. I am afraid I will become bored and even a little embarrassed if I buy a "schoolmaster" but I am clearly having problems dealing with a moderate challenge to my sense of control. Can I get over this and be a competitive rider on "real" horses again? What is the best way to get there? How can I find a horse who will give and not further sap my confidence?
Deborah
Hi Deborah! As you already know, there are no simple answers to your questions. You certainly have my sympathy, and perhaps I can offer some thoughts that will help you with your process of self-examination.
First, I think that you are right to sell your present horse. He is not enhancing your life, and you are not enjoying him. You deserve a horse you can enjoy; he deserves an owner who can enjoy him. This is a wise move on your part, but please be clear in your mind about the real reason for the sale.
It makes very little sense -- from the horse's point of view, it makes no sense at all -- to get rid of a horse because you can't use all of its potential. What potential do you mean? Think about this: you're talking about the horse's performance/competitive potential, which isn't particularly meaningful to a horse. Ambition is not an equine quality. So let's put that notion aside for the moment.
What other sorts of potential does a horse have? How about his potential for friendship? How about his, and your, potential for real companionship, for mutual enjoyment, for pleasure in one another's company? What about his, and your, potential as a team? What is his potential for joyous involvement in the activities you share: hacking, jumping, and schooling? In the long term, THAT's the potential that should concern you, and that's the potential you need to reach for.
If your only interest were competition, you wouldn't be asking these questions; you would be keeping, and riding, this horse. He has great competitive potential, and he's a nice horse -- you said so yourself.
So I think that you need to look at yourself before you begin shopping for your next horse.
You need to figure out what you want. You have a lot of experience, and your goals until now have been primarily competitive, with the plan that you would work your way up through the levels of eventing.
As part of the experience you've accumulated, you've sustained falls and injuries, and you've developed fear. There is nothing wrong with this, and nothing wrong with you.
Ask yourself what it is that you enjoy about competition. At this point, it's probably clear to you that the thrill of the adrenaline rush is no longer a big factor in your life. At 38, you may simply have outgrown the roller-coaster fixation -- you're not looking for speed and scares and an increased heartbeat.
Is it possible that you may be less interested than previously in pushing yourself to the limit in competition? Yes, there are riders who stay fiercely competitive until the day they hang up their spurs, but not everyone will have the same riding goals throughout life. The competition-focused life doesn't suit every rider, and of the riders who enjoy it, not all of them enjoy it forever. There are many different ways to appreciate horses and enjoy riding.
Ask yourself this: If someone were to tell you that you could no longer compete under ANY circumstances, would you be angry? Frustrated? Relieved?
Would you immediately think of giving up horses and riding, or would you immediately think of other ways to enjoy your time with horses?
Ask yourself this: Do you feel that you "should" want to compete, that you "ought to" be ambitious? Do you feel that you are somehow "giving up" and "selling yourself short" by not following the plan you developed when you were much younger and less experienced?
There's much to be said for consistency of purpose, but not when it gets in the way of personal growth and change. The ambitions that suited you when you were eighteen or twenty may no longer be relevant now. Don't try to hold on to them just because they were yours for a long time. You can have new and different ambitions and interests -- it's perfectly logical that you would. Don't push yourself to perform when you aren't enjoying the sport. If you still live and breathe eventing, pursue it to the limit -- but if you DON'T, for heaven's sake don't continue to pursue it in the face of your own fear, frustration, and lack of enjoyment.
Ask yourself this: When you loved the sport, what was it that you found most appealing and most compelling? Was it the communication and precision, the dance, of the dressage phase? Was it the courage and speed of a brave horse going cross-country and jumping boldly over unfamiliar fences? Was it the knowledge that you had prepared and conditioned your horse so well that the final show-jumping phase presented no problems for either of you? Each of these sensations can be found elsewhere. Dressage is entirely worth pursuing as a sport and an art of its own; hunting will provide you with the scenery and spontenaity of a cross-country run, and there are many forms of long-distance and endurance riding that will test your ability to prepare and condition your horse and yourself.
You've been badly injured and you probably had one of those life-changing visions of yourself in a wheelchair -- a reaction that is entirely normal after that sort of a fall.
I'm sure you've had falls before, but consider this: You're also older -- at 38, you're no longer a child, you don't bounce as easily or recover as quickly from injuries, and if you're like most of us, you now have a much stronger sense of your own mortality. A fall or an injury that a twelve-year-old might brag about can cause long-term nightmares for an adult, just because the adult knows more about life, death, serious injury, and the ease with which we can cross the lines that separate them.
It's quite possible that you would have handled both fall and injury with comparative ease if you'd been on an unfamiliar horse or one known to be difficult or spooky -- what made this so bad for you is that it happened on a quiet horse you trusted. However, this should have served to teach you a very important lesson: No matter how much you trust a horse's character and intentions, you must never forget that a horse is a horse. Trust your horse, but also trust that a horse IS a horse, with a full set of built-in, hard-wired, fully automated horse reactions, including sudden jumps, bucks, and leaps that can unseat a rider.
Let's look at the physical fear. There are things you can do to reestablish your sense of control -- over your own body balance and breathing and emotions.
One of the most useful things you can do is to take steps to increase your personal confidence in your own physical ability and reactions. Do exercises to promote strength and flexibility. Take a good class in yoga or Tai Chi to help you with stretching and breathing and physical and emotional balance; take a martial arts course for self-confidence and for the ability to deal with falls.
I think that your best way to come to terms with all this would be to follow through with your plan to sell your horse. Then try some of the things I've suggested to increase your physical and emotional control over yourself, and take the time you need to figure out what it is you like best about riding and what it is that you most want to do. If you don't ride for six months or a year or two years, don't worry, you can always go back to it when you're in a condition to enjoy it more. My fear for you right now is that if you continue to ride without enjoying it, something will happen to make you give up horses and riding entirely.
Taking some time out to work on your confidence doesn't mean giving up or quitting, it means that you're acting to improve your life. Take steps that will let you come back to riding, IF YOU FIND THAT YOU WANT TO, with renewed confidence and enjoyment. If you find that you DON'T want to, then don't -- but don't think that this makes you a failure. It doesn't. Times change, people change, priorities and perceptions change, and we don't necessarily always want, or do, what we once wanted or did. When we grow, we change.
When we learn, we change. As we accumulate more experience and perhaps some wisdom to go with it, we change. (Think about it: would you really want your first boyfriend back NOW????)
When and if you come back to riding, I would suggest starting over again with a really good instructor, on a reliable schoolhorse, and trying something other than eventing -- at least for a few months. If you take dressage or huntseat or stock-seat lessons, you'll be able to focus on riding and learning, and you won't feel that you ought to know everything already, or that you are somehow failing because you aren't performing at a certain level. Look for a way to get back into riding without carrying the heavy baggage of your own expectations and associations -- spending some time studying another discipline may help you do just that.
Good luck, and let me know how it works out for you.
Jessica
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