From: Carolyn
Hi! I am 47 and started riding again a year and a half ago after a 22 year lapse. I did not have any lessons when I was younger but leased a "lead dude horse" and rode him on my own. Looking back, I now realize this was a generous, willing, and obedient horse and I enjoyed riding him immensely. But I was younger then in body and I am now much more aware of my mortality! I understand this is common phenomenon in returning older riders.
Here is my dilemma: a year and some ago when I knew we were moving to an acreage and would be taking up riding again, I purchased a 16 year old registered Quarter Horse mare (16.1 hh, very powerful and sound with excellent legs and feet, good looking) for a very reasonable price from an owner who had raised her and really cared about her. Before I got her she had spent 2 years in a pasture on her own, but before that she had been an English riding school horse and also had been ridden by the owner's daughter at the same stable until the daughter went to university. She was still not being used as a school horse because this stable does not have the policy of keeping lesson horses per se.
I should mention that I had several months of riding other horses in an arena on an informal basis before purchasing this mare. Unfortunately, for several reasons, I purchased her without riding her, if you can believe it. From the start we got off on the wrong foot. She intimidates me. While I agree with everyone that there is no meanness in her, I find her stubborn and "full of herself" and pushy. Her respiration rate goes up when I bridle her and she gets a stubborn expression on her face (tense mouth?). She doesn't want to stand still while I mount her. All I've done so far is go out with another rider in our neighbourhood or on trail rides. If I go out with another rider and I take her out in front she "weaves about", not confident enough to be in front. On trail rides if I want to hold her back because I don't want to gallop way out in front with the fastest people, she "explodes". This also happens if I stop her while we're heading back home in our own neighbourhood. This is very frightening for me. She goes nuts and tosses her head and starts backing under me and whirling about and powerfully pawing the ground. However, she has never bucked or run away with me. She also spends a lot of time tossing her head and chewing the bit. On trail rides she appears very excited and agitated. She is hard to rein in and so I tried a kimberwick for a while, but a thinner snaffle seemed to have more effect. She also does not respect my personal space when I am on the ground when she is being stubborn. However, otherwise on the ground she is sweet. She tends to not pay attention to me on the ground but especially when I'm riding her if something else concerns her, which happens a lot. Experienced riders say she definitely has had some schooling, although I do not know enough to be able to tell. I have been taking lessons on school horses to try and learn to deal with her better.
One time I took her, and my instructor thought she wasn't very coordinated for an older horse, but liked her. For a while school horse lessons gave me more confidence on her but then I became more demanding and we had more confrontations. When others have worked her in a halter she is slow to get the idea of what's expected. Experienced riders' opinions on this mare vary. Some say she is very stubborn, full of herself and not an easy horse to ride and a "dud". Others have no trouble with her and say she is a wonderful horse. Fabulous even. At the riding school some people had problems with her because she was silly about jumps. Others liked her. I have never had a good ride on her. I react to her by getting angry and I know this is just the wrong approach! I wanted to find another horse, but I am just not sure that I wouldn't be giving up a potentially excellent one here - if only I could work through the problems I'm having with her. But again, although she is very sound and healthy, I don't know if I can, or if it's worth trying to change her mind-set at this age (17 now). Her owner sold her to me in good faith with the understanding that she would be used for riding and not used as a brood mare. But I can see that it's not easy to sell a horse this age. I would like to have a horse for trail/endurance riding and learning dressage and jumping. I am still keen, but this has definitely put me off a bit. In fact it has resulted in me not riding. Can you offer any advice on this situation?
First of all, as you say, you are 47, haven't had much riding experience in recent years, and were riding quite a different type of horse 22 years ago when you last rode regularly.
This mare intimidates you -- of the two of you, SHE is in charge, and she knows it. You have never had a good ride on her, you have stopped riding because on the worst days, she frightens you, and on the best days, you still don't enjoy her. THIS IS NOT THE HORSE FOR YOU.
We are all entitled to make mistakes -- buying a horse without riding it, and especially buying THIS horse without riding her, was your mistake. But it isn't a permanent or a fatal mistake -- you can correct it by getting rid of this horse. Get in touch with her previous owners, explain that it is not working out for you to own this mare, and see whether they might like to have her back. If not, they may know someone else who wants her -- perhaps someone who might have wanted to buy her earlier.
Horses aren't happy with riders who don't like them, any more than riders are happy with horses who don't like THEM. It seems clear that you are a nice person who just doesn't get along with this particular horse, and it seems possible, although less clear, that this is a good horse that just doesn't get along with you. Whether it's either or both, it really doesn't matter -- the bottom line is that you wanted a horse to enjoy and ride, and you don't enjoy this horse and you aren't riding at all. This isn't working! If you were sixteen and could spend three months working with the mare every day under the supervision of a good instructor, it might be worth the effort to keep her -- IF you really LIKED her! But since you don't, I really think that your best bet, at 47 and just getting back into horses, will be to get rid of this mare and focus on taking lessons for a while, become a competent rider, get your confidence back, and then -- since by then you should have a VERY good relationship with your instructor -- look for a horse you can LEASE. Leasing is a lovely option when you aren't quite sure about a horse, because if things do not work out you can send the horse back.
Life is too short to spend with a human or a horse you don't like and don't enjoy.
Life is also too LONG to spend with a human or a horse you don't enjoy.
Riding is too much fun to give up because you own a horse that you can't enjoy.
There is nothing wrong with saying "I made a mistake" and moving on -- the real shame would be in giving up riding so that you can keep a horse that frightens you and that you don't like. Stop beating yourself up, get rid of this mare, and go find a "good-ole-boy" gelding with lots of trail mileage and a sweet personality. You won't be sorry!
Jessica
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